Homebirth Story: Holden's Homebirth 2018

Holden Palmer's Birth Story

Born at home 12-22-18 at 12:34 am

9 lbs. 10 oz.

22 ½ inches long

Holden’s pregnancy felt like the longest one of my life! Between 2017 and 2018 we had three pregnancies (two ending in miscarriage) and with him, we were finally able to hold a baby in our arms. I have never felt such pain, emptiness, and grief as when we miscarried two babies in a row. My heart aches for those who have gone through the same or might be at this time still waiting and hoping for their own rainbow baby. I have yet to write my miscarriage stories and add to this blog, but I hope too. I can say for sure and for certain, that through the grief process, and in the posture of waiting and wondering in the months to follow, the Lord helped me to gain a new perspective and comforted me in a way that no one or nothing can. During this last pregnancy, I prayed the baby would just hold on in my womb and not leave- and he did! Another reason we love the name Holden.

A decade ago, I posted my first birth story on this ancient looking blog. Back then, I was fresh out of college, working for a local non-profit, newly married only a year, and had just gone through a 3 day long labor and delivery of our first darling daughter. We had a successful homebirth thanks to the wonderful support of our midwives, and most importantly, the grace and mercy of the Lord. We had been a low-risk pregnancy, and I had been so drawn to the midwifery model of care, that my first thought after finding out we were pregnant had been to talk to a midwife. I was curious to see what birth was like when at home with more freedom and less interventions. I detailed that experience and our decision making process in Claire’s birth story.

Our life looks a lot different 10 years later- we have our own farm, new businesses we’ve started, and we homeschool all our children. We’ve birthed 5 children in three different homes over the past 10 years. Each one is so full of memories and testimony of God’s goodness and grace that I’m glad I can always look back and see what trials or pain we went through and the grace He bestowed in each circumstance.

The Lord taught me something special with each birth. Claire’s birth (3 day labor, 9# baby) made me feel victorious! It wasn’t the most popular choice back then, and we felt like we had to prove ourselves with her birth.

Claire's Birth

The birth of our first son, Wesley, 17 months later gave me peace. My first labor had been so hard, I had wondered if I could ever do it again. Wesley’s labor and birth (2 day labor, 9 # 8 oz baby) was shorter and I learned not to fear as much during that labor.

Wesley's Birth

My third homebirth with our daughter Violet is just so special to me, I hardly know how to describe it. Her birth story (16 hour labor, 8 #14 oz baby) details what a struggle I was having for the first half of the labor, and then how the Holy Spirit spoke to me on how I needed to labor. It ended up being one of the most worshipful experiences of my life, meditating and deeply focusing on the Lord and worshiping and singing during that labor. The end of it was so fast that I didn’t realize I was in transition and delivered her without pushing and while standing up. She was born with the caul (her water bag) which is so special to me as well.

Violet's Birth

My fourth labor with Russell came just 22 months after Violet’s birth and it was a such a sweet experience. We had three tiny kids to care for, had just moved, and I ended up having a shorter labor (10 hours, and a 10# 10 oz baby) and a birth room filled with family, friends, and my midwife team. I felt the Lord direct this labor as well when I asked him to lead me how to labor in the best way for that birth. I'll never forget those who encouraged me when I felt weak during that labor. He was such a big baby, but I had great support during Russell’s birth.

Russell's Birth

I went into labor with Holden on December 21^st around midnight with some very light far-apart contractions. It began similarly to my last labor, so I prayed the lord would direct what actions or coping methods I needed to take for this labor. After just a couple of those light contractions, I felt that I should get up and go about my day since it was nearing dawn. I was on the brink of being 40 weeks the following day, so I thought that maybe labor wouldn’t begin that day since the contractions petered out after I got up. I did have bloody show that early Friday morning though (my usual first labor sign) so I was puzzled when the contractions didn’t continue. The rest of the day my body felt completely “quiet” except for a few Braxton hicks. I was a bit discouraged that I would have to wait another day or so for labor to start. My friend Amber came to the house that afternoon to pray with me and encourage me, since she knew I might go into labor anytime soon! I felt like I was waiting on the edge of forever.

I prayed specifically for an efficient labor and peaceful delivery for my son, and that he would turn in the right position and that I wouldn’t be in fear about going through labor and birth again. This was our fifth time around with birth, so I clearly remember what hard work it is! I also knew that I couldn’t control the length of labor or how the story might unfold, and that I just had to trust. Equally, I remembered the intense joy and the beautiful newborn moments that I had experienced 4 times before! All I wanted was my prize in my arms soon for all the hard work I was about to go through. It is such intense work to be completely still, surrendered, and not in fear as each wave of contractions comes again and again, building in anticipation of the delivery. I tried in the weeks prior to the birth to get my head and heart in the right place of surrender and peace and not fear.

Around 5 pm on Friday the 21st, contractions started again. I went in my bedroom as my family continued eating their dinner and I labored quietly through a few far-apart contractions. I readied my room a bit, got my labor playlist going on Spotify that had worship songs on it, and just “went to work” by resting and sitting and focusing through each contraction. They continued to be far apart, but strong, and I had more bloody show. Good signs this was the real thing! By 8 pm I said to Timothy that I wanted to call the midwives in case I go fast.

I do like to labor mostly by myself in birth until the end, and my midwives are always so wonderful about giving me space, yet always quietly (like ninjas) sneaking in to check on baby’s heart beat and my blood pressure and make sure I stay hydrated etc. They were always great about respecting my space and wishes for labor. When Timothy called them to come this time, the contractions were only 10 minutes apart. I labored quietly by myself mostly until after the children were in bed. Timothy came in after that and sat with me and it was just the two of us for awhile in the dark room listening to music right before my midwives arrived.

My midwives came around 9:30 and quietly set up their supplies in our room and then settled in our living room while Timothy and I just hung out in our bedroom. We joked and chatted in between contractions, and it was so special to have that time with him. At one point I remember telling him that I felt like I didn’t just want to sit through the whole labor, but felt that moving, swaying, and walking around might help the labor to speed up. I kept praying for the Lord to direct my movements in this labor, and I felt that He did! My head was really “in the game”, and I know it was the Lord helping me to think so positively that I could have a shorter, efficient birth. I was dreaming of having my baby before midnight so that he would have a different birthday from his big brother Russell who had been born in that very same room by the same midwives four years ago! It became a running joke between Timothy and I that “Hey we can do this, let’s get this baby out before midnight!”

I would alternate doing movement or pelvic rocks or being still for most of the rest of the contractions that labor. Even when I squatted, I felt it was helping the contractions to get stronger. They started getting closer to together. I wanted Jodi, one of my midwives, to check the baby’s position around 11:00 pm, and he was a bit ROP (Right Occuput Posterior), so she offered to do Rebozo on me to see if he would turn a bit. It may have helped because I did eventually feel him descend and he was anterior when he was born.

From my recollection, after that I felt some definite shifts in the labor, more intense and sometimes funny feeling contractions (not even sure how to describe them!). My internet gave out at one point, so my music app stopped (happens a lot to us up in the mountains) and it was very dark and windy outside, felt very wintery, and I could just sense things were getting close, but I wasn’t sure how close. I had been quiet during all of my contractions, until about 11:30 or so when I remember with one contraction I let out a “whoa!” because I had felt him descend finally! The midwives rushed in and said, “Do you feel pushy?” I think I laughed inside because I really didn’t, it’s just that was the first contraction that I was verbal. They stayed nearby in the room, and I felt the following contraction get so much stronger and closer together. I started vocalizing a bit more through these contractions and I felt again that “wild eyed “ look I get when I’m going through transition. Timothy cheered me on and locked eyes with me through those difficult ones. I wasn’t feeling pain, but the contractions were so intense and forceful that it took great effort to be calm and surrender to the extreme movement going on inside my body. I kept looking at the clock between contractions and kept thinking like around 11:30 and 11:45, that I wasn’t sure if I could get this baby out before midnight. Our joke had kept me going though, I was really trying to give my boys different birthdays!

I said out loud at one point, “How many more of these contractions do I have to do? “ Doran, my midwife, told me to go ahead and find a place to birth, because I was probably close. I did a few contractions standing up because I had previously thought I wanted to birth standing up again, or on my knees, but neither of those positions felt comfortable. I felt too tired to stay standing up. My other midwife Jodi suggested I could lay down on the bed for awhile. I had never delivered on a bed before ( always on a birth stool, or standing up, or on my knees). I figured I could at least rest a bit. I laid on my left side around 12:15 am and the contractions didn’t feel as manageable in that position, but I felt like I didn’t want to move either, it was just too great of effort at that point. Doran could see my distress and suggested pushing, I told her I didn’t feel too pushy (at least in my mind!), but was anxious to be done, so I tried.

After a push, I asked if anything was happening down there- any bag of waters, or a head coming down or anything. I was desperate to be done at that point. They assured me I was doing great, and to keep pushing with the contractions. I felt so very tired and the contractions were so intense, I screamed and vocalized with those last few contractions and kept apologizing between them for the screaming. I felt out of control at that point (which is normal transition behavior though). Like with my other births, it all felt like forever, but in reality, I was only in that position on the bed for about 15 minutes and only pushed 3 or 4 times to deliver Holden! The wind was howling, Timothy was by my side on the bed, my midwives were on the bed ready to catch him, and I pushed with all my might with those few contractions. I felt his head and pushed through to get him out. His head came out with one contraction, then his one shoulder with another contraction, and then a pause. Doran said he seemed a little sticky and they wanted me on all fours on the bed to get the other shoulder out. Timothy and my midwives helped me flip on my hands and knees and the rest of him came out very quickly. I began pushing at 12:31 and birthed him by 12:34! He was born with the bag of waters around his head (it’s called being born “with the caul”) and I felt a big splash happen on the bed right after it broke!

A few moments after birth

I had such flashes of pain and relief at the same time! My body felt in shock after that fast delivery and the tear that I had. They put Holden on my chest and my first thought was “I’m done! How skinny he is…He’s bald!” So many emotions! It took me awhile to feel able enough to really hold him. I felt faintish. The midwives swooped into action to help me with blood loss and to get me stable and make sure I was eating and drinking.

My midwives checking on Holden

After my first birth, my blood pressure had dropped to 70/40, so my midwives knew my history and gave me tinctures and really took care of me. I kept thinking to myself, that I wasn’t worried about the fourth stage of labor at all, knowing my midwives were there, I just trusted them so much! I had difficulty delivering the placenta until an hour later, and after that I slowly recovered. That part felt rough. It had been my shortest labor though- 7 ½ hours! Holden was born at 12:34 am. They weighed him- 9 lbs. 10 oz. And he ended up being Russell’s birthday buddy after all!

We got cleaned up, nursed, and just started snuggling in. My midwives left around 4 am after seeing we were taken care of, and Timothy and I fell into a quiet morning of dozing on and off with our new baby between on us on the bed. Our children had slept through that whole night and they began to stir around 6:30 in the morning. I told Timothy to not tell them anything but ask them all to come in my room for a bit, so that I could say “Surprise! Here’s the baby!” and see their reactions.

We named him that morning and just rejoiced that we had done it again! We had our sweet baby! And on my due date (a first for me.)

The first moments our children met Holden!

Timothy took such excellent care of me during my post-partum. I am truly so blessed that he just takes over kid and house duties and brings me food, makes sure I have water, supplements, things for baby, whatever I need. I truly feel like a Queen when Timothy takes care of me during postpartum.

One interruption to my recovery and babymoon was getting mastitis after Christmas day and dealing with a fever and pain for several days. Holden also had a lip and tongue tie which made nursing such a painful experience. After getting both releases done, nursing started to improve by two days after and it was so much better. I felt such a wonderful grace through all of that time when it was so tough. My parents helped greatly when I was in bed with a fever from the mastitis. I remember feeling so grateful that I had my mom here taking over when I was ill, and even my dad coming to lay hands on me and pray over me when I was at my worst with the high fever. My recovery continued well after that episode and Holden gained weight so very quickly after that!

One day old

He is now 16 lbs at 6 weeks old as I write this. He was long and all arms and legs when he was born, but VERY quickly packed on the pounds and the fat! (Update: he ended up getting to 20 lbs. by 2 months old!)

Russell and Holden share the same birthday on December 22^nd with 4 years age difference.

Russell blowing out the candles on his cake on HIS birthday!!!! I'm glad he didn't mind celebrating in my room while I recovered!

I look back on that labor as one of the sweetest ones I’ve had, and the most efficient, with so many intimate moments that Timothy and I shared during that labor. I will remember that delivery as one of the most intense emotionally and physically for it being so fast. I felt like the fourth stage had been a hard one for me, but we had so much grace and peace throughout it as well. I just give glory to God. The Lord wrote a great story for Holden’s birth, I’m so privileged we could do that again, and bring a new life into the world.

First week pictures: